It is October 2016, the summer is officially over and it will forever be remembered in the historical handpan annals as ''The KaribPAN Summer'', as during this time we emerged as a force to be reckoned with on the handpan scene. Where the online handpan community was once thriving when we made our presence felt in the beginning of the summer, it is now considerably quiet, as if the hot air that had previously filled the handpan community bubble has been completely released, no doubt due to the numerous holes we blew open through it in our blog.
As of late, the online handpan discussion groups are virtually so quiet, one can literally hear a pin drop. Not only have the once vocal, boastful, entitled Handpan Mafia makers retreated back into the shadows from whence they came, but the burning flames of the numerous online handpan trolls have been extinguished by our numerous groundbreaking, history making articles and subsequent staunch defense of those articles.
By now, it is completely obvious that the entire Handpan Mafia and their cults of mindless, culturally misappropriating followers have been up to no good as far as the steelpan is concerned. But at this moment in time, it is fitting that the talentless, moronic handpan industry scrap miners be held to account for their shameless willingness to jostle over the crumbs that fall from the table of the Handpan Mafia.
Handpan Festivals and Gatherings, Handpan Scrap Mining Central
We first lifted the veil of the handpan festival/gathering phenomenon with our article, Hamsa Handpans the Talisman Teams with ''Pantasia Gathering'', a Secret Society Sect Selling Spiritual Snake Oil.'' In this article, we focused on a particular devilish, one-dimensional handpan maker who is double-dipping in the handpan festival market as well with the obvious aim of handpan diversification via Satan. However, now we will focus on promoters of handpan festivals who are neither makers, nor players of any worthy note who have been actively working on monetizing the handpan industry crumbs which are available through indirect involvement with the handpan instrument itself.
It should be no surprise that many organizers of the two-bit handpan festivals and gatherings are musically worthless, business oriented steelpan opportunists whose only talent is identifying trends (the handpan in this instance) and working to exploit them. Kelly Hutchinson of Hangout UK comes to mind, and we became aware of him through his vocal opposition to us from our very first blog article. This fly by night bloke, who has apparently been overdoing the bangers and mash due to his flabby, out of shape figure, is defnitely a lot less cheeky than he first was when he first put his neck on the line in the beginning of the summer and made it publically known that he is an enemy of KaribPAN and the steelpan truth that we represent. He gloated boastfully and claimed partial responsibility for having our articles banned in his domain.
For the readers who could not figure it out from our above accurate physical description, Kelly Hutchinson is the pudgy doughboy on the left who is also evidently a few years into a recessive hairline and well on his way down the road of male pattern baldness.
Judging by the following photo, Hangout UK is being promoted by Kelly Hutchinson as a demonic affair with a strong dose of homosexuality present.
According to Kelly Hutchinson himself, he was ''never good at Art at school or college''. For some reason, artistically talentless individuals like this usually end up promoting events geared towards ''artists'' like Hangout UK.
Griasdi Handpan Gathering
Another handpan festival that is totally worthless and promoted by yet another opportunistic snake oil salesman is the Griasdi handpan gathering. The only reason we are even aware of this bottom-feeding ''organization'' is because the man responsible for it, Martin Zoepfl, had been bombarding us with emails since one of our first articles on the Handpan Mafia.
Not only were his emails based on willful ignorance, but they were long and consisted of repetitive, weak refutations of our articles such as, ''there is no such thing as the Handpan Mafia'' and ''the handpan industry is not Satanic'', among other Germanic gibberish. It was clear that not only was he trying to get our attention, but that he was hurt in some way because he took our articles personally, no doubt out of feelings of guilt on his part. To be clear however, Martin Zoepfl is a nobody in the handpan world, much less a member of the Handpan Mafia. He is merely a talentless, non-artistic opportunist looking for an opportunity to exploit like Kelly Hutchinson, who has found an exploitable niche in the handpan festival/gathering market.
According to Martin Zoepfl himself, he has also written Felix Rohner and PANArt on numerous occasions in an attempt to ingratiate himself with them and seek freebies and tokens, however he received a rather muted response from them as evidenced by his blog where he stated,
''Honestly, my relationship to PANArt® is not as harmonic, as i wish. On the one hand, i really love the sound sculptures they develope and make, and on the other hand i dont like how they handle their position as a Sound Sculpure Maker. Since those Sound Sculpures are much more “medicine” than just music instruments in my experience, i really dont like, that PANArt® is not ready to share their knowledge about for free ! “Medicine” is not for business in my opinion – and the one who is not ready to give and share medicine, has not understood the magic of life and that we are all conected. Just my thoughts! Since they deny to meet me in person, maybe my thoughts about them are just interpretations ..''
Groveling is never a good look and Martin Zoepfl has proven that he is a certified Handpan Mafia jock strap carrier. He claims that ''medicine is not for business'' in his opinion, yet this is precisely what he is trying to sell.
According to his ''About'' page, he admits,
'' I’m not a “musician” and i am not a “healer” in the the meaning of being formed. I am in love with music since ever and i try to live my love and passion as free and intense as possible. HANDPANS (and some other instruments & sound sculptures) are much more “medicine” and “magical tools” to me than just music instruments. Thats why my focus is on the healing qualities of those Sound Sculptures and their wide range of overtones. ''
But it gets better. While he admits that he is neither a musician nor healer, he has the Austrian nerve to offer the following paid services on his website:
- HANDPAN DISCOVERY – discover in a relaxed atmosphere, the wonderful world of HandPan sounds and find your intuitive access to play the HandPan …
- CONSULTING & ASSISTANCE for the acquisition of your own HandPan and advice in finding the right personal Scaling
- SOUND EXPERIENCES & SOUND TRAVELS – dive into a world of harmonious sounds, rhythms and overtones. Relax deeply and find your center. I like to play for Dementia-, Alzheimer’s-, Coma Patients and people who are difficult or impossible to achieve through language and touch. The sounds of HandPans with their overtones helps many of these people in very touching way, to connect with the surrounding world and people again.
- HANDPAN- , SOUND- and AROMA ACCOMPANIMENTS – as a supporting and deepening element in meditation, yoga retreats or similar events. Suitable for groups, or as a unique “individual experience”.
If you need a non-musician to hold your hand and ''consult'' with you about which handpan musical instrument is right for you, I guess Martin Zoepfl is the guy to call, not to mention if you need the services of a non-certified, inexperienced ''handpan healer''. Although to the sensible indivdual this is an obvious snake oil salesman at work, it is likely that in Austria in his neck of the woods, there are actual German suckers who actually buy into this madness.
In the words of Steve Shehan, an avantgarde handpan player who we recently discussed in our recent article,''The Handpan as an Instrument of Steelpan Colonization in the Words of Pantheon Steel, PANArt and Steve Shehan'', he is emphatic that, "There are people who think it's mystical the way it is, and they invent some pseudo mystical background that doesn't exist. It's bullshit.''
Apparently, Martin Zoepfl is currently making erroneous handpan maker lists which according to him are not created according to the actual makers present in the market, but according to subjective criterion like whether he personally knows and likes the makers featured on his lists. In other words, these are yet more attempts on his part to grovel before and ingratiate himself to prominent handpan makers, while conveniently omitting many makers in the market.
Kelly Hutchinson and Martin Zoepfl, congratulations! The two of you have made KaribPAN's first ever list of ''Handpan Industry Scrap Miners Who Live for the Crumbs that Fall from the Handpan Mafia's Table''!